The Romans knew the best way to govern a population was “divide et impera,” or what we moderns today would call divide and conquer. Many ambitious people still choose to deploy the nasty tactic of pitting others against each other just so they can get ahead.
But the danger of this ancient ploy is that it relies on regularly introducing new frictions and escalating the divisions until everyone is at each other’s throats. Divide and conquer may work in the short-term, but it is not a good long-term strategy for success. Amazing success is only possible by bringing people together and building relationships of mutual benefit.
I admit it’s probably easier to choose the divide and conquer tactic. After all, there is a subtle art to engaging constructively with others. It takes a lot of effort to get it right. Everybody has their own mindset, ideas, narrative, skill set, and desires. Often, these differences can be radically diverse even between a handful of people, let alone an entire workplace or town. The art of bringing people together depends on aiming to understand how other people think and operate.
Every viable relationship depends on three crucial components. The first is that the other person gets what they want and need. The second is making sure you get what you want and need. The third aspect is open and honest communication so both of you know what the other wants and needs. If you get those three components right, the rest is history.
Serving Each Other
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll have a few people who are just a phone call away if you need help with motivation or require an honest critique. Ideally, you would be the person they call in a time of need as well. Win-win is always a much healthier foundation of a relationship than take, take, take. If you want a one-sided relationship, then buy a mirror.
Although there are infinite forms of win-win relationships, they broadly fit into four categories:
- Fulfill a need. The famous Maslow’s hierarchy of needs begins with food, shelter and water. Without these, humans can’t function. When these are satisfied, we will be free to desire the latest fashions, living in a better neighborhood, or achieving greater status. Depending on where we are in life, our desires and needs will be different. So, the formula of success is to understand what people need and want.
- Give and receive feedback. Feedback is a key part of success. Pity so few people discuss its importance. But any successful person will have trusted sources of feedback and criticism to help hone their decision-making processes. Athletes have coaches, businesspeople have consultants, politicians have advisors. I firmly believe constructive feedback can be the difference between success and abject failure.
- Deal with a challenge. When the inevitable obstacle appears on your path, it’s tempting to tackle it on your own. But many hands make light work, as the saying goes. Asking for help in dealing with a challenge is a perfectly reasonable strategy. Whether it’s hiring a babysitter, calling a plumber or offloading work to a colleague, sometimes it’s good to ask for help. But it flows both ways. Think about the skills you might offer and look for opportunities to assist others in your life.
- Provide community. Humans are social creatures first, but we also want to belong to something bigger than us. Community is the idea that we belong to something through which we feel accepted and even celebrated. Community is about entertainment, because entertainment is about not feeling lonely. A mutually beneficial relationship should be entertaining for all parties. Anywhere you can, try creating a sense of community by organizing meetups or asking about people’s lives.
So often, we get caught up with maintaining our own lifestyle that we forget what we can offer others. Worse, we fail to see what others can offer us.
The Self-Made Person
Successful people sometimes fall into the trap of believing the myth of the self-made person. It’s a tantalizing myth, to be sure. But it’s just not true. No single person can build a skyscraper or even a small house. No one can win a football or basketball game alone. Even in individual sports like tennis, a good player will rely on coaches and mentors.
As the old phrase goes, no person is an island. Every success we have builds on the efforts of others. That’s why building a team that can elevate your talents, minimize your weaknesses and complement your skills is so crucial to success.
Our journey towards success will be peppered with moments when someone taught us an important lesson, offered us our first job, got us out of a jam or encouraged us in a particularly tough time of self-criticism. Success is certainly possible to achieve on your own, but that’s like saying canoeing alone around the world is possible as well. Sure it is. But it’s much easier to find a great team and a large boat to sail the oceans instead.
Amazing people don’t stop with only one or two people in their boat. They have a whole army of other amazing people around them. They have mastered the art of recruiting others into their vision. They have invited others to be part of their life with a genuine embrace. Successful people know at a deep level that teamwork and a win-win attitude are the key ingredients of achieving a goal. It’s probably good to pay attention to lessons like that.
Accepting Others
Collaboration and teamwork are excellent force multipliers for any pursuit of success, but don’t make the mistake of assuming those amazing people who come along for the ride and offer help share your mindset or dreams. They might resonate with your project, but they will have their own ideas, history, foibles and desires as well.
It is not your job to change other people. Accepting them onto your team requires you to accept who they are, along with all their little life details. It is immensely challenging to change your own life, but it is next to impossible – and largely a waste of time – trying to change other people, especially if they don’t want to change.
But that doesn’t mean you avoid setting expectations and boundaries while enforcing them rigidly and consistently. It may not be your role to change others, but it is your role to cut them out of your life if they can’t meet your needs, desires and standards. This can feel harsh, especially when a person is giving you all they can but still can’t meet your needs. But keep in mind that no single person is enough, and it is unfair to expect them to be. We must put together an army of amazing people so we can be amazing together.
Influence and Influencing
Influence is a two-way street. Sometimes we are influenced by other people and other times we are the ones doing the influencing. Independent thought is a bit of a misnomer, really. After all, are you sure your dreams and aspirations are 100% organic to you? If we’re being honest, a good chunk of them were the result of outside influence, aren’t they?
That’s perfectly normal and absolutely fine. Influence is a part of being human. Learning how to influence other people and being aware of the influences on our own lives is critical for living an amazing life.
At some point, you may need to persuade an employer to hire you or convince a person to marry you. Equally, there may come a time when you need the influence of others in the form of advice or help. By being open to the idea that other people might know something we don’t, and having the willingness to listen, such people can change the trajectory of your life.
Define Your Relationships
For a successful relationship to work, it must be defined early. It is dangerous to let expectations live in the land of the hypothetical. Since we all have different values, approaches, mindset and narrative, it is important to be clear with other people so they fully understand and respect our boundaries.
Most relationships are forged with some vision or purpose. For example, a marriage is meant to support the needs of a family and a work contract is about completing a task. To keep this purpose or vision in mind, it is imperative that all parties in a relationship are clear about their expectations and acceptable behavior. A well-defined relationship means everyone knows where the boundaries are.
It is always easier to loosen boundaries than to tighten them, so they must be enforced regularly. If you don’t like that a colleague arrives late to a meeting, then express that displeasure in clear language. Many people are just trying so hard to be liked that they avoid setting proper boundaries early in the relationship. Don’t let that be you.
People In Our Lives
The social circles of most people don’t extend much further than their colleagues, neighbors, old school friends and perhaps a few from a shared hobby or activity. Our closest relationships are generally creating by a mix of accident and contingency. But there is a giant world out there full of people who can truly improve our lives, if we just expand our circles a tiny bit.
One of my favorite sayings is from talk show host Colin Cowherd who once said, “don’t chase money; chase management.” His point was that many people get it backwards when chasing money becomes the primary goal. He believes the only way is to focus on finding good people first. Often money will follow if you are surrounded by people who excel at their job.
Another commentator, Jim Rhone, said each of us are the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time. I mostly agree with this. But in a digital world, the most influencing personalities in my life are actually people I rarely interact with in person. Instead, I engage with them online, through YouTube lectures, by reading their books or by following their social media. Sometimes, I feel I know these people better than I know some of the friends I engage with in the physical world.
Expanding your social circle or professional network can be as easy as connecting with people at a conference or networking event. Let their wisdom, experience and history inspire you to build an amazing life and improve your mindset. They can show you the right processes, offer feedback and give advice, if you let them into your life.
Building a network is about understanding how the ripples of our actions affect the lives of others. I guarantee that there is someone out there who is an amazing match and can take your goals to the moon. It may be a business coach, a psychologist or a manager who takes you under their wing. They are out there waiting to be part of your life. But you must give them a reason to champion you. They will want to know they aren’t wasting their time with someone who won’t do the necessary work and refuses to find win-win solutions to the relationship.
