What is a narrative? It is a personal story that describes how other people live, explains society around us, colors our world view, helps us achieve success, organizes the role of other people in our lives, decides if we should ask for help, predicts how far we can get in our lives and paints each of our opinions. We all have some kind of narrative.

The genesis of a narrative

Our narrative begins when we are kids. According to Jen Sincero, author of the Badass series, children use emotions and feelings to process their life experiences. They watch closely how the people around them interact with the world. But since nobody has a perfect narrative, what children observe and internalize may not be optimal.

As we grow up, the thousands of good and bad experiences of life continually shape our narrative. We also learn from others and emulate their behavior. The information we consume also plays an enormous role to the construction of a narrative, whether it’s the books we read or simply by not reading at all. The moment we choose to stop our formal education also affects a narrative. And our story is colored by the kinds of questions we choose to ask, such as: why is this happening to me? Instead of: how we can I use this to get ahead? Some people seem to go through life floating on an organic narrative. They stumble into a good job, easily develop a friend group or quickly find a great college. Others let their narrative drive them to ennui and apathy. To rewrite our narrative, we must take control of our lives.

Wired for the negative

Human brains are wired to emphasize the negative, since the brain thinks it we are still in the wild and it must protect us from predatory animals and the elements. As smart as we are today, our primal brain doesn’t distinguish very well between threats. This is why innocuous words on social media or even friendly criticism can sometimes flip us into a primal, guttural reaction. If we are not careful, those instinctual reactions – which is the just brain trying to protect itself – could seep into our narrative as well.

Every human relationship we create has an influence on our final narrative. We unconsciously take cues from our colleagues, best friends and family about the right kind of behavior and habits to adopt so we can be accepted into different social circles.

The key component of one’s narrative is how we interpret our experiences. One person can grow up with bad parenting and repeat the same behavior while another person with a similar background can vow instead to be an incredible parent. A tragic accident can send someone down a bad path while others might use a bad experience to do something bigger and better with their life. One delegate attending a personal development seminar could sit with folded arms refusing to “drink the Kool Aid” and asking, “what time is our flight?” while their neighbor feverishly jots down pages of notes and feels their life changing in real-time. As Hall of Fame speaker W. Mitchell once said: “it’s not what happens to you; it’s what you do about it.”

Chances are all your present behavior was influenced by somebody else. Maybe your parents nudged you into athletics or discouraged you from some other pursuit. Perhaps your attitude is the result of being harshly disciplined as a kid or learning from a great college professor. Having to work with a boss who bosses you around – rather than mentors you – can also deeply influence your mindset and narrative.

We all have a story about how we want life to be. Unfortunately, many hold on to a distorted view about what it takes to succeed. They assume working hard entitles them to success. Their desire for success is based on false assumptions, not what makes them more attractive to others. After all, it is not the amount of effort but the value you create for others that determines your success.

To maximize success, the different areas in our lives should all feed into each other. Success is having an inspiring career, a healthy strategy with money, great relationships and time to take care of the mind, body and spirit. The issue is so few people try to understand how to become successful across these different areas. They work hard, but are unhealthy. They get a formal degree, but don’t read books. They are successful, but trapped in bad habits. Reaching higher levels of success means expanding your knowledge and letting your narrative evolve.

The tactics

If your narrative stagnates, you will put an artificial limit on the many ways to achieve success. Thankfully, there are some tried and true ways to evolve your narrative:

• Test old assumptions. If you do achieve success, it’s easy to believe you’ve found a proven path. But keep in mind there may be more efficient routes you just don’t know about yet. To find these, learn new skills and take time to empower other people;
• Upgrade your information. The world has endless information to help you become amazing. They range from books, article, blogs, YouTube videos, online classes or a good ole Google search. To rewrite your narrative, upgrade your information;
• Tap into other people’s mindset. Since our narrative is formed by observing others, most of what we claim to know is drawn from the perspective of someone else. But that also means someone has already discovered ways to solve the challenges you face or to reach similar goals. Surround yourself with people like this. Change your work environment, attend a conference or industry event, get a mentor or hire a coach. As entrepreneur Jim Rhone said, “you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time";
• Opt in and out. Before we can accept the new beliefs, we must let go of the old ones. For instance, it is nearly impossible to make money with a scarcity mindset. No matter how many books you read, seminars you attend or how many wealthy people you talk to, refusing to rewrite this part of the narrative can be fatal for your long-term success;
• You gotta want it. Rewriting your narrative is perhaps the most challenging – but necessary – step a person can take. Beliefs are just as much a part of you as your left arm. Changing what the kind of person you are is almost impossible if you don’t want to. It’s important to be open minded and maintain a flexible narrative;
• Identity and ego. If you achieve a modicum of success, it’s easy for your ego to take over and harden your narrative rather than encouraging it to evolve. After all, you’re successful, right? To avoid this trap, search out good criticism. Actively asking for different perspectives is crucial to achieve success and to keep your narrative evolving.

How you see your reputation

The narrative you create about other people determines what kind of opportunities you will have. Everybody is keeping a scorecard about each other. This is called a reputation. Our reputation is judged by how hard we work, how we deal with challenges, our ethics, our values, the way we deal with money, the amount we complain and many other subtleties. A good reputation means more opportunities. For instance, there are people with whom I would never go into business and others who would receive my personal investment without any question, based solely on their reputation.

Change your focus

There are two parts to realty. First is reality itself, which is nearly impossible to change. The second is your reaction to reality, which is all you can change. Rewriting your narrative is not about ignoring parts of reality. It’s about turning down the volume on whatever holds you back while focusing on anything that moves you forward. This is why it is so important to choose a trustworthy person as your sounding board. It is natural to search for advice from likeminded people who have made similar financial decisions, relationship choices or share the same work experience. But this really just your brain trying to validate your existing narrative and will only lead to stunting your personal growth. Instead, try to spend time with folk who challenge you.

Rewriting your narrative is about choosing to focus on the blessings in life. But a healthy narrative also does not ignore the tougher side of life, either. The path to achieving every one of your goals and deal with all challenges requires creating and owning a unique narrative. It is time to change your focus.