The beginning of 1998 was a particularly difficult time in my life. It was in the middle of a series of events that brought me face to face with my disability. I started to ask myself, would I ever live a normal life? Would I ever have a career? Would I ever fall in love? In the midst of my emotional roller coaster, I also wondered, is there a reason that I am disabled? Now, if you asked me these questions in my earlier years, I would have said absolutely not, but I realized that there were points in my life where every single situation I was in was a result of my disability. Outside of my family, I would probably not know anyone that I know now. My parents moved from Iran to America to get me treatment. I am not sure if we would have made that move or not. Since my father was educated in America and had all his family here, I would like to think that we would eventually have made the move. Even so, would we have moved to Agoura Hills, California? To recap, I probably would not have met any of my friends and would have different attitudes because the people around us make us who we are.
I am who I am because of my disability. I have vivid daydreams every day about not being disabled. I certainly would not have been in the self-help industry if I were not disabled. I would probably be like that guy in the car texting and eating a burger because I would not plan for lunch.
I don't know if there's a plan for me. On one hand, there are many things that no matter where my life takes me, I won't be able to do like driving a car, hopping in a cab, racing up a flight of stairs, I can go on and on but I don't want to depress you or more importantly myself. On the other hand, if I'm ever fortunate enough to meet that special someone (if you are reading this, call me! I will be there in no time even if you're half way across the world) I could have an intimate relationship that is going to be hard...but very intimate. (If I must say so myself!) Or, what if in my lifetime there is a cure which would give me a joy like no other. A joy that nobody else would comprehend or even understand. For goodness sake, it might be ten times better than let's say, winning the lottery.
One last thought. There is a lot of suffering in the world beyond my comprehension. My life is not that difficult, to be honest. I always have a warm place to stay, I have people who love me, and to think that my life is planned out is a little bit arrogant. (I am more confused as I close this blog post than I was when I started it!)
When I am faced with a decision, I assume that destiny is not a factor because when you assume that destiny is a factor, you give up some control that you might have over the situation.
"Sourena Baby Pic - 1978" This was taken in Iran just prior to moving to the US
Timelapse - Lighthouse (Oct 2012) from IMK Digital Multimedia on Vimeo.