My disability is not my fault. But finding a way to achieve my goals anyway? That’s one hundred percent my responsibility — and the same is true for whatever you’re dealing with.

I have cerebral palsy, which puts me in a wheelchair, requires help with most daily activities, and comes with a severe speech impediment. It was caused by a doctor’s negligence that left me without oxygen when I was born. None of that was my choice. None of it was my fault.

I deal with that reality every minute of every day. I watch able-bodied people complete tasks in seconds that take me ten times the effort and usually a lot more planning. My own rule is simple: my disability is not my fault, but it’s my responsibility. It’s my responsibility to set goals and go after them. To communicate what I need. To build joy and satisfaction into my life on purpose. And to give my sons the lessons they need from their father.

For years, I spent long stretches of my life wishing I didn’t have a physical disability, replaying the “what ifs” the way most people do with their own hardest circumstances. Breaking news: none of that wishing got me anywhere.

Here’s what did work: separating reality from my reaction to reality. Reality is everything you can’t change — the stuff genuinely out of your control. Your reaction is the one thing that’s always yours.

You can’t control other people. You can’t control the weather, the economy, or human nature, and some days you can barely control your own emotions. That’s not a personal failing — it’s the human condition. The tendency to look for someone or something to blame when life gets hard is completely normal. We don’t want to own our challenges, our circumstances, or our shortcomings. But if you want to reach your goals, you need a mindset that says: everything that touches my life is mine to deal with. Responsibility doesn’t mean you caused it. It means you’re the one who has to address it.

It might not be your fault that you grew up in poverty, had unsupportive parents, wasted your twenties on the wrong person, or had a business partner walk off with your money. None of that makes it any less yours to work through now.

Satisfaction and success were never about finding an ideal situation. They’re about making the most of the situation you’re actually in. Reaching a goal starts with taking honest stock of where you are and where you need to go — accepting the past instead of dwelling in it, then moving forward. Your hardest moments can teach you real lessons, but only if you’re willing to do the work to learn them.

The mind defaults to the path of least resistance. Say the job market is tight. One path is complaining that there aren’t any opportunities. The other is building new skills, getting more creative, and networking harder. Say your marriage feels rocky. One path is venting to your friends or nagging your spouse. The other is having the honest, adult conversations that lead to a new understanding and real intimacy. Say your clothes don’t fit like they used to. One path is blaming your age or your metabolism and chasing a fad diet. The other is hiring a trainer and putting in the work. The second path is always harder. People pick the first one because it’s easier, and because it hands you a hollow kind of satisfaction that feels like progress without requiring any.

There have been long stretches when I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life either. But every time I’ve chosen to take it anyway, I’ve ended up happier for it. There’s a real satisfaction in succeeding in spite of your circumstances — one the easy path never gives you. No matter how far outside your control something is, how you respond to it is always your responsibility. That’s the mindset.

So here’s my challenge to you: pick one thing in your life you’ve been blaming on circumstances instead of owning. This week, take one small action toward it — not because it’s fair, but because it’s yours. That’s how the mindset shift actually starts.