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Upside Down

There are parts of my life that are completely upside down. I am a very outgoing person. I love interacting with people, I love going out with friends, and I’m always up for any new adventure. I’m not a homebody at all. I like to travel, would rather go to the movies than watch a movie at home, go out to dinner, stay up until two o’clock in the morning, and I’m very spontaneous.

But why do I have to be this way?

My life would be a lot easier if I was an introverted homebody. Someone who loved to be home in my sweats with a good book or go online for hours. Someone who does not feel isolated without constant face-to-face conversation.

Also, why do I love going to the airport and getting on a plane? Let me explain that for someone in an electric wheelchair like me, getting on an airplane is an ordeal, to say the least. It’s probably ten times the hassle that the average person has to deal with to get through TSA.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my personality, but I wonder what it would be like if I was a shy introvert without a craving for a robust lifestyle.

My ambition, along with my dogged work style, has prepared me for where I am at this point in my life. However, I sometimes wonder if too much ambition is bad, especially having a disability. I know people who don’t have a disability and their dreams aren’t even close to what I strive for every day. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be in the media. I couldn’t wait to meet a beautiful woman and marry her. Great ambition always comes with the probability of getting hurt. I have been hurt many, many times. More times than I would like to admit. I’ve been hurt so many times, I feel like a punching bag.

There’s a part of me that wants to give up and there’s another part that reminds me that everything I want is right around the corner. There’s part of me that wants to laugh at mythical non-disabled Sourena, and there’s part of me that questions how I’m ever going to beat him. The thing is, the more I achieve, the more he achieves. So, the question beckons: is it futile for me to compete with him? I have had the honor of literally changing lives with my writing and my speaking, something he could never do no matter how hard he tried. I don’t know why I compete with him—I don’t know why I even think of him. He’s not my enemy.

I’m often asked where my drive comes from or where I get the courage to even get out of bed. The fact is that the more I accomplish, and the busier I am, the more I feel “normal.” If I’m in a suit and tie giving a speech and selling books, I am in my element. When I am sitting at home wondering what I’m going to watch next on television, I start fretting about everything I can’t do.

I get bored easily and when I get bored I fall into the land of what-ifs. I start thinking about mythical non-disabled Sourena and I start to miss him, but when I’m doing things and I am out and about, I don’t have time. It’s not to say that I don’t feel my disability when I’m active, it’s just that the more active I am, the less I feel it.

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